1,000 Songs for You and I
by myshadesofgrey
Summary: A Christmas accident leads Meredith to re-assess her life and make some big decisions. Meredith/Alex with some Meredith/Derek. Each chapter has a song related to it.


**_AN - Every chapter of the fic has a song that's either involved/sets the mood. It's probably good to listen to it :). Hope you enjoy the fic! It's my first time writing Meredith/Alex so I hope it doesn't disappoint_**

The Emerald City Bar was packed with joyful medical staff enjoying the festivities of Christmas Eve. Izzie and Alex were flirting at the bar whilst sipping eggnog, George was sat smiling bashfully at the orthopedic resident Callie Torres, Cristina had been flitting between the hospital and the bar as she worked the least longed for shift in existence. Meredith, however was the epitome of everything negative about Christmas, she was sat at the bar, her head hung low, only rising to down another shot of tequila and occasionally cast disapproving looks towards her fellow staff. She wasn't the biggest hater of Christmas, but she didn't exactly adore it either. It was a time for family, love and friendship – right at this moment her family consisted of a man who poured her cereal and a woman who had barely spent time with her and now had Alzheimer's, she had love but was certain it was actually unrequited, really friendship was all she had to bring to the table. As she sat, the song playing from the speakers added to her hideous mood.

'_Cause I just want you here tonight, holding onto me so tight. What more can I do? Baby, all I want for Christmas is you…_

"Joe, another tequila!" she called, looking up and resting her chin hard on the palm of her hand.

He looked disapprovingly at her, "A sixth?"

"Don't judge me! I'm paying for it, aren't I?" she replied, sliding a handful of dollars to the barman as he presented her with a shot glass containing an amber liquid.

Wrapping her long, delicate fingers round the cool glass she turned to where the sound of loud laughter was coming from. There they were; the happy couple. Addison was throwing her head back, her neck extended and slender, and her mouth wide open with creases round her eyes. Derek's lips were resting close to her ear; Meredith could imagine the cool tingle his breath would be leaving, the sweet nothings he'd be whispering. Her eyes flicked to the visible area under the table where she could see Derek's hands on his wife's thigh, pressing into the soft skin they rested on.

Turning back to the bar, she raised the glass to her lips before throwing it down her throat, mumbling to herself, "Merry freaking Christmas…"

"Merry Christmas to you too," a voice sounded next to her. It was one she recognized, it was Derek.

Grabbing her purse, she pushed herself up from her seat, wobbling slightly, before staring him straight in the eyes and storming out the door.

"Meredith, wait! Meredith!" Derek shouted after her disappearing figure

Spinning on her heel, she stared at him, anger flaring in her eyes, "What Derek? What do you expect me to do? Stay and watch you hang on her every word? Occasionally stroke her leg? Whisper in her ear?"

"Don't be like that," he began, stepping towards her and reaching out to stroke her arm, which she immediately pulled away from his grip.

"Don't touch me!" she shouted at him, moving her face close to his, "I chose you, I freaking picked you and you act like it's alright to do that in front of me?"

"Mer…" he reached to place his hand on continually reddening cheeks, which were now a soft rosy pink.

"Don't 'Mer' me!" she pulled his hand down to his side, careful not to hold it in a way that could be interpreted as affectionate, "Yesterday you couldn't stop telling me how much you loved me. Did you tell Addison that? Did you tell her what you told me when she asked how you spent your day?"

Derek ran his hands through his dark, thick hair, "Meredith, please…"

"Answer my question!" she stared at him coldly, "Answer it!"

Defeated, he bowed his head before muttering, "No, I didn't."

"Excuse me, what did you say?" she wanted clarification, confirmation of the words he'd just uttered.

"No. No I didn't tell her that I told you I loved you." His eyes were remorseful, hoping for her forgiveness and understanding.

"You didn't mean it, did you? You just wanted to get into my pants in your break, didn't you? Is that all I am to you? A stand-in? Second best?" She was hurt. She'd always promised herself that she wouldn't let any man reduce her to this. Derek was meant to be her One, her soul mate, her McDreamy, he'd been the first man she'd ever let get so close to her, so entwined. She was angry, she was hurt, she was in disbelief.

Derek defended himself, "I can't believe you'd think that! I love you!"

Now Meredith was the one pleading. She wanted to be a strong, independent woman, but she longed for him to take her in his arms and kiss her until they both forgot that this had ever happened, "If you love me so much, go inside and tell her – walk up to her and tell her that you love me."

Derek's glance fell and he shuffled his feet before extending an arm, with a pleading look etched across his face, "Meredith…"

"Just leave me alone! Whatever the hell this was – it's no more. I don't choose you, I don't pick you, I don't love you. Get out of my face." She spat the words and they flew out of her mouth like bullets, each short phrase was laden with ammunition designed to both hurt him, but also protect her.

She quickly spun her face away from him so that he couldn't see that he'd reduced her to tears. She stumbled forward, a result of the dangerous mix of alcohol, tears and rowing. Wiping her eyes on the long sleeve of her woollen jumper, she turned round to glare at Derek once again. That's what she told herself, but really she wanted to see if he cared enough about her to stay a minute longer. As her weight rested on the heel of her boot she lost her balance and tumbled down, smacking her head hard on the ice-covered parking lot tarmac.

Hearing a thud behind him as he headed back inside, Derek turned. Laying his eyes on the figure, he ran toward it. Realizing it was Meredith he knelt next to her and shouted around to get help.

Leaning down to her ear, he whispered, "I love you, I'm sorry I'm too much of a coward to admit it. Please don't die before I have chance to prove it to you."


End file.
